Basic Restructuring
About setting up a more systematic approach for bits
After more months than I care to recount right now I have a little break in making for something. There are things that I need to put together, I’ve dedicated, or at least I’m writing that I have, some time towards finding out how I can make my online presence more sortable, maybe for myself. I started pruning, is what I’m saying. I kind of want to let the last few months wash away. I did some great stuff but who cares. That is one section of this new program, things I mostly don’t want to write about. You ever get that feeling finishing a project where once its immediately done you don’t want anything to do with it? It’s out of my hands. Part of my evolving mental state, I say that to be kind to myself, is unshouldering some of the baggage of finding a meaning in my life, accepting that terrible things happen beyond my control, and not endlessly pining over the losses in my life. Articulating it without sounding deranged or at least a little solipsistic is better for conversation, and as of recent I’ve stepped pack from people and have been very withdrawn in the pursuit of, I don’t know, making art and avoiding gut feelings that are more trained responses to various traumas or psychosis. I guess that can be a section two(too). I’m relatively unhappy, classically, with my turning 40 next year and not having blah blah blah. Is having blah blah blah all its cracked up to be? The unhappiness is kind of a false flag because feelings change, rapidly, and when I can get the ball rolling or when I’m doing the thing, it doesn’t feel like a front. Think pieces would be a valid third section. The lens I have developed to view the world isn’t cracked or anything like that, it is more so the strain of looking that really just burns the vision that much stronger onto my retina where it’s kind of all I see. I go on about wanting some old job, or a new job, and throwing away all this life entirely and it’s not genuine, or not not genuine, but would be that unknown that I so love but also fear inherently knowing that the threshold for old tricks are unstable and I crave stability. I also have a high tolerance for suffering but I don’t want to suffer. I want to have a laugh and remember why its so funny because it used to not be funny or something like that. Its really fascinating thinking about the world intergenerational as politically, socially, spiritually people are doing some wild shit and thinking its new really get to proselytizing the old way. Those old tricks. I’ll be the first to say I’m not trying to tell anyone how to live their life at a loss. So where is the line on protecting the sacred? Should that even be a consideration? These are practice questions for me, and for me they don’t yield so much because they are so obvious and I just make work that hits on those points in some of the absurd ways. I’ve spent the larger part of 2025 performing poems and I don’t like spoken word, absurd right? Anyway, needs a new format to be interesting to me. I’ve got some work to do in sorting this out. Maybe I’ll get a producer to take some of the work off of my plate. It hasn’t worked yet but who knows.