Sticky

The Imperfect or three fifths

Im trying to sort out some relationship things that have been going on. Its difficult. All the talk of love languages, intimacy styles, alignments, spectrums, proximity, its all there because live is difficult. Finding and nurturing all that. And sometimes it doesn’t work. I know enough people that have separated to see that, I’m one of them so hey, it is what it is. Not everyone is going to get along so meeting people where they are is a working model for figuring it all out. My peace of mind has been really disturbed by someone close to me, mostly through proximity. I haven’t felt that connection that makes people the kind of friends that spend a lot of time together. So I try and cultivate a peace of mind. And legitimately I’ve been disturbed since June or July jumping through hoops trying to balance sensitivities, ego, duty, work, wants, food, and shelter. So I haven’t been the best communicator. I’m not a kind man, this is not a kind place. I try to keep things transactional at a certain level because I really just don’t want people in my business. I’m sensitive to a lot of things, the expression of it is something that if you ask I can tell you or you can see it in certain works, its private and reserved. All that is to say I mind my business and I don’t really need mine mined by another mind. Now I find myself on the outside and I really don’t want in. I’ve actively tried to maintain distance and whatever pain it has caused me, I’ve taken on a lot of responsibility to, ideally, build something that I care about with someone I care about. Motherfuckers get weird around divorce and especially when it comes out the blue, granted the signs were there. We are empathic creatures, some more than others, I’m probably the others. Everyone is gonna fuck who they want to fuck, it’s no big deal. I contend with this deep feeling of being alone, sometimes I bask in it, sometimes I wallow in it. Its probably clear I am a huge Portishead fan. Also we’re born alone and we die alone. Good grief. The tea that I’m pouring says two things. “Accept the challenges you are facing. It may become your greatest gift.” And, “The unknown is where all outcomes are possible. enter it with grace.” I can get down with all of that. I have an apartment viewing at 11. I’m going to have to start taking Plum for walks as she is now accustomed to it. Who know’s maybe I’ll get a third cat and be on the internet.